America’s colleges have fallen to the enemy; send a child there at your own risk.

My dirty little secret is: I may be a hardcore domestic extremist, but I am not a natural housewife. I am not, how shall I put this, enthusiastic about chores. They do not spark joy! But it’s not my fault—I was raised to be a pampered suburban princess waited on by a staff of undocumented servants, not a harried Old Mother Hubbard dishing out gruel from her hovel. And yet, fate took a hand and led me towards a more domestic life.

Last year the North Pole chapter of BLM looted Santa’s toy warehouse and made off with lots of goodies, and supply chain issues took out the rest. To make matters worse, he may not be able to afford enough gas to power the sleigh for the eight million mile journey he’s taking. (No, he can’t fly an electric sleigh—those things only have a 300 mile range!) But, here are a few fun games that Santa may be able to find—and they’ll last longer than the toys you already forgot you bought last year.

Crime’s up, grocery prices are totally out of control, and kids are dying almost every day from accidental fentanyl poisonings at local high schools, when they’re not being indoctrinated to hate their parents and their country. How are we supposed to raise families in this blighted, benighted hellscape?